We all want our relationship to last when we start it, and marriage is the testimonial of this long-term commitment. Reality though today is radically different and marriage is a contract so easy to get out of that it does not serve what it used to.
Let’s have a look of what has made couples last in the past century: it comes down to two things: marriage, and women’s dependence. In fact women depending on men is at the core of why couples used to last more.
Marriage became breakable when it was admitted that women could work and be self-reliant financially.
Most of us today would never agree to be in one of those lasting marriages where will was the last factor considered.
We have not come that far to wish to go back in these enslaving relationships as boring as they were long lasting.
The beauty of today is that we can last in a relationship because we want to, and not because we have to.
If you have been reading me, you know that I certainly not prone a step back in women’s autonomy. I believe we must redefine the needs and role of each partner in order to make sure the relationship is based on mutual satisfaction.
The task is vast yet fascinating.
Even seduction has to be revisited if it aims to lead to something deep. Seduction is mostly based on appearance and attitude where both partners present the best of them in a dance pre written for decades. The dance, by the way is highly influenced by cultural values. And there are as many dances as there are cultures.
As it is the most eventful, exciting, easy to read time of a relationship, it has been described over and over in songs, books, movies or stories of all times. This is what the romance genre is about.
In fact it is really amazing to me to find out that so many men still don’t know how to initiate successfully a relationship: the logic is so easy to understand and examples are millions in romance books. But men sadly don’t read romance books… Sadly because they would understand what makes a woman vibrate. And they would also understand that a woman who does not vibrate is a dying being… that can make their life hell.
The first task at hand is to start to identify both genders’ needs beyond all cultural traits.
For centuries women were led to believe that they could not make a decision without consulting a man. They were also convinced that they were inferior. To some extent some still act as though they were inferior. The need for a man was therefore artificially created. As a result, newly independent women questioned the relevance of men in their life and many fancied stripping them out of their lives altogether.
Reality, again though, is that we do need men. Whether it is the deep physical need of copulation /reproduction or a fascination for the other gender, but when you put men and women in one room they will do everything but ignore each other; seduction will be in full swing no matter what. I know it hurts a lot of men and women to admit it, but we need one another.
Gay and lesbian relationships do not undermine what is said above because, interestingly, the dynamic is totally similar: a feminine yin is looking for a masculine yang… in the same gender.
The yin yang concept has totally grasped the perfection and necessity of yin to be with yang.
The qualities of yin are more nurturing, steady, creative, imaginative, and yang energy is more striking, rising, acting, glowing, showing, protecting and dominating.
All men glow and thrive when they are put in a situation where they can successfully protect a woman. There are still parts of the world where that could apply literally. Thankfully the Western world is rather safe for women.
In addition to the fact that we don’t plan to move in the dangerous suburbs of any large city for Mr. Husband to thrive, Mr. Husband today would most likely run away or die with us confronted to a life threatening situation. Times are long gone when sword play and defense games were compulsory in a man education.
Although picturing our partners through the chivalry criteria would be laughable today, men still need to feel strong and powerful…with women.
Having left the battlefield they wrongly think that their income and social status do the same job. But there is a big difference in women’s perception: what is missing is the exciting fear of life and death situation, combined with …the uniform!
If men knew how women are sensitive to uniforms, they would willingly put a nice suit for them every day. Appearance of power is what a man in a uniform means for a woman. Of course not all uniforms are equal, each woman has her preferences: and a suit might be putting of some of them.
Women love to let go and being led, just the way a ballroom dance goes.
A lot of us have forgotten this deep need shattered by hurtful deceptions and bullying of all sorts. But the need is there. Watch any ballroom dance on YouTube to see what I mean. You will be stunned by how harmonious it looks. Partners participate, the man leads without over powering and the woman does amazing things while he holds her.
Physically again we cannot ignore the fact that men can overpower women: the physical domination is there even if the gap is narrower due to the trend of women exercising like men.
Sexually the difference in our bodies is incredibly thrilling: the contrast between lean and fat, curves and angles play a big role in building the burning desire of each body for the other. These differences are what make it interesting without clashing. And the sexual intercourse is an alternation of domination of one body over the other with the main action left to the man.
The quest for equal rights negates the fact that in bed we do not want to be equal. We want to acknowledge the fantastic differences that make the intercourse both fun and fulfilling.
To be led willingly though, a woman needs to trust. And what is so misleading for a man is that trust is always questioned.
Most men wrongly think that marriage is the one step they need to once for all secure a conquest.
A woman never belongs to somebody forever unless that somebody belongs to her.
Men were able for so long to abuse, force and bully women to get what they want that they totally miss the fact that a woman is a long road and not a destination.
As women have become experts in pretending, some of them do believe that their pretended role is their true self, misleading even more the men around them.
For decades, and centuries women, for their own survival, pretended to be weak and inferior in front of men in order to seek their protection.
And men got used to these caricatured traits of a female needing protection. No wonder they are lost today. At most what they find today is a childish persona that a lot of men cherish until exhaustion, because la femme-enfant is not a child! She is just simply annoying.
Worse even, now men are ridiculed when they want to show an obvious desire of protecting. Their protection have for so long been associated with dependence for women that many will reject harshly any attempt of protection.
Back to ballroom, the man protects the woman in a way that he guides all her moves in a direction so the couple will not clash with anyone else. He does not shield her so all she sees is he. He does not force her to do this or that; he induces or helps with a move.
This is the type of protection men and women need.
We have left the battlefield: it is time we drop Popeye, Zorro, James Bond or Superman or their new equivalent as the ultimate male figure.
We, women, do not need to be saved. Thank you.
Aren’t you relieved guys? When was your last opportunity to arrive swiftly on a horse or from the air to save your beloved one from danger?
Have no sense of failure though; the ultimate female figure is no more realistic.
Have you ever wonder while the ultimate female figure is a slim, yet curvy, gorgeous woman beautifully dressed and always composed?
For centuries ugliness for a woman was culprit, wooing her to a dreadful future; beauty was the only tool to achieve and climb the social ladder. Men saw in women not only an immediate source of pleasure and comfort, but also, more importantly, the continuity children give. Beauty and youth were sought and cared for as a sign of health and purity.
Basically women had ten years from 15 years to 25 years old to secure a man and a position.
Women’s obsession with fashion derives from the fact that appearance was critical for their well being and survival.
It is in our collective subconscious mind that male rejection is life threatening. Hence seduction is taught from an early age to any girl: they must please and be beautiful always.
All women who believe they can’t meet this standard face some kind of insecure feelings. Do we wonder why so many women are like walking emotional holes? I do not know one woman throughout the world who is not highly self-conscious about her appearance.
To meet the fashion standards women are critical and unloving for themselves.
The only reason behind this is men’s coveted eyes.
One of the biggest lies in the universe is the one that says that women go through plastic surgery, diet, etc…for themselves. They want to be attractive, so there must be something to attract…
I have always been fascinated by the way women behave in a hammam or other Asian spa where women gather naked with no men whatsoever in the surroundings. The way they behave is different, there is no pressure: they are all taking care of themselves without competition. The competition is outside.
Not only I feel great each time I go to one of these spas, but on a deep level I feel nourished and relaxed. It is like the peace of the handshake after a sports game when rivalry ends.
Women need more and more moments like this where the competition stops and they can be together without pretence.
Men do have the corresponding times when they watch a game, when they play. Nothing in our daily lives as it is now, allows us, ladies, to stop and rejuvenate. The self-judging is so constant in most women that any look, any word is falsely interpreted as judgmental fueling their insecurity.
The only way for females to feel comfortable with themselves is to be more with other females in a situation devoid of competition.
For that, nothing beats the Asian spas. First, it gives them the opportunity to see other real women bodies and not the fake images genuinely altered with Adobe Photoshop on magazines. Second, it teaches them to care for their body in a kind and loving way, as a massage usually comes along with the spa experience.
Our view of a couple is distorted because our view of ourselves is no longer relevant.
Men are desperately trying to catch up with the home chores, being more and more involved with the children. And yet they fail to please women. I read in the Time Magazine (“Why Men and Women should end the chore wars?”, July 21,2011, Megan Gibson) about a year ago that women still had the feeling that they were doing much more than men when in reality the load of tasks was fairly balanced.
As a result, it is not uncommon for a man to think that his wife will never be satisfied no matter what he does.
Since the 1980s couple’s relationship are a bit like a match game where everything done or said gives scores for one or the other. Furthermore to prove the other wrong, no one hesitates to step in and do the other’s job, never missing the aggressive comparison.
These years of meddling and confusion of roles and needs, combined with the glory of individualism, have left couples in a poor state, questioning the very relevance of the relationship.
Both men and women have wondered at times whether they would not be better of without the other.
Yet, what is interesting is that even the ones of my friends who claim that they are done with men, seem to be desperately looking for their soul mate. And most of our conversations revolve around their hopeful or deceiving dating experiences.
My male friends are no different to that extent: they complain but they still look for the one who will not be a pain….
So there is hope.
My goal with this post and my site is to give a golden glow to the mistreated couple concept.
It takes a strong review of how men and women feel about themselves before any progress can be made.
The good news is that I deeply believe we are meant to be together. So all we need to do is follow the universal flow.