“He wants to have sex all the time and I am not in the mood”. “I want to have sex with her but she is never in the mood.”
Does that sound familiar?
Problems related to sexual intercourse in a long-term relationship have three ramifications, equally important:
- Gender characteristics
- Exhaustion of the female partner
- Love languages
If you don’t take into account the three factors, you are doomed to fail in improving your situation.
We all know that the need for sex differ whether we are a man or a woman.
It is biologically explained and heavily documented. I wrote a post where I go into details on the reason why a woman who has had her children is less likely to have a strong sex drive. You can check my book Happily Ever After in the Real World for more on that subject.
When you know that sex drive for any women after she has had her children is primarily emotional, romance becomes particularly important. Once you understand that, gentlemen, you know that the simple sight of your loving and hungry gaze will not trigger anything more than a loving smile on her side. You need to prepare the right environment for her to fall into your arms and be willing and ready.
Exhaustion of the female partner:
If you, Ladies and Gentlemen, were aware of the impact of that factor on your family life, believe me, many arguments would not even exist.
Let me show an accelerated version of how it plays:
She starts her day with a zillion things to do in her head. She has written some but not all. Her constant scanning eyes notice additional tasks on her way. The clock reminds her of the urgent task to accomplish. Her children cooperate more or less. Whether she goes to work or she comes back home, the spinning cycle of the undone regularly kicks in. At the end of the day, not only she realizes that she could not do it all, but she also feels tired and rightly so. Mental exhaustion combines with physical fatigue. And all she thrives for is to be left alone…to rest.
A woman’s day today is simply madness. Never, ever, in history, women have been left alone to deal with so much.
For those of you who still think “well my mom did it!”. Your mom had more stability in her life and far less stimulation; competing demands of children back then were half of what they are today; community ties were much stronger. And I could go on. Our time is very different, in fact it is unprecedented.
Stress level for both men and women today is close to the one we feel in survival mode, and that, on a daily basis.
It is therefore absolutely key to lower her stress level so she can lower his.
You, Gentlemen, have a huge role to play here. You are the only one that can convince her to slow her pace. The problem with most women is that they tend to be perfectionist with their life. They never let go by choice. So letting go is a sign of failure.
Let me give you my example. So many times my husband has rescued me from my struggle to get everything perfectly done. He would force me to pause and ponder whether this or that truly mattered. He taught me to focus on the goal, the overall goal.
I learned the fantastic concept of good enough. He would also suggest a time out with my girlfriends when he feels I am too stressed.
Don’t think this is always easy to accept. It is not, at least for me. Ultimately though, I know he is right. Without him and his suggestions I would not be able to manage a full time entrepreneur job, and three kids, almost stress free. Almost….
We have so much to learn from our life partner! Don’t underestimate Gentlemen the positive role you can play in your wife’s life.
Let me give 3 ideas to lower her stress level:
- Find help: either pay for it, or be creative and put in place a system with a few friends or neighbours where you alternatively babysit, and carpool. Ask for help.
- Share the tasks at home: if you don’t know how to, Gentlemen, ask her to show you. Once you have learned, it will be of her list. And by the way, you will probably do it with more efficiency.
- Make her feel special: that means that you must act so she feels loved. This is where the love languages come in. If you don’t speak her language she won’t get it and you will get nothing in return. Peacereminder.com is the easiest road for that.
Gary Chapman’s book on the 5 love languages is a must read for anyone who cares about his or her relationship. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Briefly, there are 5 different love languages and we all have a primary one. And we all tend to use our primary love language to express our love.
If this love language is secondary for our partner, as time goes, our partner will not feel loved despite our desperate efforts to show our love…our way.
5 love languages crash course:
- Word of affirmation: you love to be told nice things, tone matters for you. You love verbal praise.
- Quality time: You to spend time with your loved one. You love doing things together. Undivided attention is precious to you.
- Gift: You are always very sensitive to something given to you. It can be a gift or some time dedicated to you that you love most.
- Act of service: You love when someone does something for you to help you.
- Quality touch: gentle physical contact, kisses and hugs are what makes you thrive.
How do you know what is your primary love language? Well, check what you do most when you want to please someone you love, most likely it is your primary love language.
When you know that your male partner has for primary love language quality touch, well sexual intercourse is of particular importance for him. That being said, the more you will hug him, caress him and kiss him the less he will be in desperate need of sexual intercourse.
In fact more physical contact with him might trigger pheromones inviting you to be in the mood!
Hope this helps! Thanks John and Lana.